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Podchaser 
Welcome aboard Polyester Airlines for another trip back in time to the decade that gave us Horeshack, ABBA and Whatchamacallits for SHE'S DRESSED TO KILL starring Connie Sellecca, Jessica Walter and John Rubenstein was the NBC Monday Night Movie.
Your captain, Patrick Walsh, is waiting to whisk you away to the night of December 10, 1979 for this spine-tingling whodunnit about glamorous models at a mountaintop fashion show who are getting murdered one by one...with their own makeup!!!
- Was it the Whiskey-Guzzling Designer?
- Or her Draft-Dodging Assistant?
- Or the Queeny Critic?
- Or The Ugliest Girl in the World?
It's like Agatha Christie did a boatload of blow, and you're gonna love it.
Your copilot on this ill-advised voyage into flimsy negligées, leg of mutton sleeves and deadly hairspray is the fabulous MARTIN MCKEON.
Watch SHE'S DRESSED TO KILL on YouTube here.
She's Dressed to Kill was directed by Gus Trikonis, written by George Lefferts and stars Connie Sellecca, Jessica Walter, Eleanor Parker, John Rubenstein, Joanna Cassidy, Clive Revill, Peter Horton, Gretchen Corbett and Jonathan Banks
Mentioned in this episode:
Network Plug with music
This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis:
Podtrac - https://analytics.podtrac.com/privacy-policy-gdrp
00:00 - Untitled
00:08 - Untitled
00:13 - Introduction to the Movie
05:19 - The Journey to 1979: Nostalgia and Movie Magic
12:44 - The Frustrations of Fashion and Film
28:01 - The Unwatchable Model: A New Perspective
29:00 - The Modeling Opportunity
38:08 - The Return of Elegance
52:31 - The Fashion Show Flop
59:20 - The Fashion Show and the Disappearance of Candy
01:10:18 - The Mysterious Sheriff
01:22:44 - The Revelation of the Killer
01:28:23 - The Last of the Barton Girls
01:40:27 - The Transition to Fashion and Identity
Patrick
Hello everyone. Here's a little pre flight tip from your captain before you go time traveling.This episode, the movie that we're talking about, is called She's Dressed to Kill. And while there are several copies of it available on YouTube, almost all of them are incredibly dark.It's going to make your viewing experience very difficult. They're all lousy copies except for one. I've put a link down there in the show notes. The link down there in the show notes is the one copy.You'll be able to see everything that you need to see in order to enjoy the movie that we're going to be talking about today. So please go use that one.
Patrick
Watch the movie and get ready for takeoff. Attention please. This is the final boarding call for Polyester Airlines flight to the 1970s departing from Alberto Gate VO5.Get ready for thrills, chills and another episode of It Came from the seventies. Good evening passengers. This is your pilot, Patrick Walsh speaking.It is my pleasure to welcome you aboard Polyester Airlines Flight 1210 to the year 1979. Polyester Airlines is of course the world's only time traveling airline where we break the laws of physics just so that you can watch nostalgia tv.Our final destination this evening is the night of disturbing December 12, 1979.Many important historical things happen on December 12, 1979, but perhaps the most significant is that it's the night that She's Dressed to Kill premiered as the NBC Monday Night movie. Also in December 1979, Peaches reunited with Herb and it felt so good. Le Freak was, say, chic and unfortunately, Gloria Gaynor survived.The weather in 1979 is expected to be as brisk and chilly as biting into a York Peppermint Patty. However, please be advised that the Irish and hostage crisis is in full swing, so be prepared to tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree.Also, please be advised that in December 1979, the movie 10 was sweeping the box office and absolutely everybody had Bo Derek fever. Our flight attendants will be circulating around the cabin shortly to give everyone a complimentary cord row so that you can blend in more smoothly.At this time, I am honored to introduce your co pilot for this evening. He is a Polyester Airlines veteran who's accompanied me on flight to Walnut Grove, Crowhaven Farm and even Anatevka. If I'm the captain, he's Daniil.Welcome back, co pilot Martin McKeon. But not yet because I've just turned off the seatbelt sign. So feel free to kick off your candies and do the hustle around. The cabin.But please don't squeeze the charmin. It's against federal law. Everyone kick back, relax, have a velvement, enjoy your flight and Enjoy the year 1979.Well, welcome back aboard co pilot Martin McKeon.
Martin
Hello, hello, hello. I'm so excited.
Patrick
As am I.
Martin
Lots to talk about, Lots to talk about.
Patrick
It's been a while since you've been here. Have you learned to fly a plane since you've been here?
Martin
Yes, I'm. I'm adept. Now get off my plane. I haven't learned anything.
Patrick
We're just hot boxing them back there. They don't know. Anyway, it's. Well, it's a delight to have you back on board our supers flight. To the past.
Martin
Thank you. Thank you.
Patrick
So how have you been? Any good news? Any fun things? Anything groovy happening?
Martin
Anything groovy happening?
Patrick
How regal is your beagle?
Martin
Well, I'm in Miami at the moment, which is pretty groovy. Not Hawaii, not Brady Hawaii, but yes.
Patrick
You just leaned to the side. I saw that very hotel looking bed. Mikey's not at home. Look at him. Look at him showing up. Oh. In this luxury suite that I'm in.
Martin
See this whole thing, darling. Unlike Regine.
Patrick
You are. You are very Regine. Oh, gosh. This comes, this movie.
Martin
Oh my God. I'm so glad I watched it. And then I was so angry I watched it.
Patrick
They're so close. They're so close. It could be good.
Martin
It could be so good. It could be so good.
Patrick
And it's just not.
Martin
Somehow it falls apart on so many levels. Like there's not. It was hard to find four things I like, three things I liked about it. It was. I was hard press. Well,.
Patrick
Co pilot Chip on his shoulders here today.
Martin
I. I wanted it to be good. I love this time period. Like when I saw Connie Sellecca's hairdo, it was very Nancy from Facts of Life. I was like, this is my girl. Like, this is like.This is my time period. This is like 79 to 80. This is the height of fashion. I'm like Halston. I'm like. I was so excited. I'm like, her pants are skin tight.Very Wilma Deering from Buck Rogers. It was all happening.
Patrick
Oh, yeah. And yet not happening.
Martin
Nothing happened. Then absolutely ridiculous shenanigans were happening that I'm like, wait.
Patrick
Okay, the movie that we're talking about is this 1979 opus called She's Dressed to Kill. Except when I saw it, it premiered as someone's killing the world's greatest models.
Martin
Ooh.
Patrick
I don't know why they had different titles in the New York area, but they did. And here's the thing. Here's the history of me in this movie here in the Me. The me and this movie. And this. This. This.This airline that we're on right now. Wait. I remember when this premiered, Martin. I was very excited. I love a murder mystery. I love an Agatha Christie. I love this sort of a thing.And, yeah, I was very excited. And I got to watch the first hour of it. And I got sent to bed.
Martin
No.
Patrick
Yes.
Martin
That's cruel and unusual punishment.
Patrick
Well, you know. But then it was okay, because I'm like, it's okay. It's going to be run during the summer. Right.
Martin
You never knew that.
Patrick
And it did.
Martin
It did.
Patrick
And I fell asleep.
Martin
Oh, God. No. I think people don't realize about movies. Like, if you missed a movie, you couldn't just, like, stream it, rewatch it, rewind it.
Patrick
It was.
Martin
It was gone. Until if they chose to like the Star Wars Christmas Special, they never ran it again.
Patrick
It was, like, for very good reasons.
Martin
Good reasons. But once something didn't do well and they didn't want, you never saw it again.
Patrick
It was like, no, no. I mean, Maybe. Maybe in 20 years or so it'll pop up on YouTube. No, not even YouTube. I was thinking, like, it'll pop on the 430 movie.For those of you in the New York area know what that is? It's some random. What's the word I'm looking for? Syndicated shit. Yeah. Or the USA Network. It might pop up in the usa, because I think.I think our copy that we watched on YouTube was from the USA Network.
Martin
Oh, up all night around this year's. Is that.
Patrick
Which is why it was so dark. Anyway, it was very.
Martin
I couldn't tell him who was who. Like, was that Joanna Cassidy. Kept saying it in the credits, but I didn't know for sure.
Patrick
It was so frustrating because. Okay, this.
Martin
All right.
Patrick
I wasn't done with the trauma. I fell asleep. I had tried twice previous to this to do an episode on this movie. At both times, the plane crashed and failed. Because we failed.We just went down.
Martin
You fell asleep at the cockpit wheel.
Patrick
No, because there's so much going on there. This movie has 15 million characters in.
Martin
It and so many subplots that don't even make sense.
Patrick
Like, so many subplots when you try to condense it all. We tried. I tried to tell the whole story, and it was just the hot mess. So we're not even Going to try to tell the whole story and I can't.
Martin
No, no, we're just gonna.
Patrick
We're gonna dance. We're gonna give you the best, we're gonna give you the worst and maybe some fun stuff in between. But try to, try to encaps.I don't know how they encapsulated it all in an hour and 40 minutes.
Martin
It was. Yeah. Thank you.
Patrick
My personal opinion about this movie now I've watched it a few times, is that this movie needed to be on abc.
Martin
Oh, they were a little more edgy.
Patrick
This movie needed Aaron Spelling.
Martin
Oh, and Connie Sellecca from hotel fame. I'm surprised she was not on an abc. They should have, you know, picked this up.
Patrick
Well, they. Well, they didn't. Obviously they didn't. It needed. It needed Aaron Spelling and it needed more predatory lesbians.
Martin
I love that.That was one of my like favorite things about the show that they had at least three gay characters in a prime time movie in the 70s, all villains, all. All still representation. I was still very excited to see it happen.
Patrick
Since it is tradition here, if this is. Was not your cup of tea.There were other things on TV that night and this was up against some stiff competition because this is December, so we're up against Christmas. This was up against. On cbs we had the Charlie Brown Christmas Special.
Martin
Oh, that People watch that. That's a big one.
Patrick
And it was all raggedy and Raggedy Andy Christmas special, which is. You remember being traumatic. The Santa Claus caper.
Martin
I don't remember that one exactly.
Patrick
Probably why they showed it once. But this was it.
Martin
It's in the ball. That's why. Yeah.
Patrick
And the rest of the night was mash, WKRP and Lou Grant. Those are all heavy hitters.
Martin
Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Patrick
On abc. This is funny. On ABC there was a show called 240 Robert, which I have no recollection whatsoever.Apparently it was about the LA Sheriff's Department and how they rescue people, specifically with helicopters and 4x4 vehicles. Very CB radio type thing is that. But here's the thing that's funny about it.First of all, it started a baby Mark Harmon, which is cool, but it also started Joanna Cassidy who's on this.
Martin
Network at the exact Joanna versus Joanna, Kramer versus Kramer.
Patrick
Well, she didn't survive this one, so maybe she did better on 240roberts. Spoil everybody and you're on an NPC. The it was only the lead up. This is the 9 o' clock movie.But coming up, 8 o' clock lead in our favorite Little House of the Prairie, that's why. Yeah, but this is what I love. This is what I love about the 70s movie.We went from the wholesome world of Little House of the Prairie to this murderous, murderous, murder. And like the most sexist, awful, serious, racist.
Martin
It was everything. Homophobic, you name it, everything.
Patrick
But. But it sounded like a great episode because it was the one where they got. Where they got.
Martin
Damn, I think I missed that one.
Patrick
Well, they got telephones and Mrs. Olsen was eavesdropping on everybody and spreading because of course she was. I would too. Are you kidding me?
Martin
I would 1000% be listening in this new technology.
Patrick
Are you crazy? You made me the operator, you idiot.
Martin
Lars Miller's what In debt.
Patrick
All right, listeners, true confession right now. I chipped my tooth the other day. I haven't been able to get to the dentist, and I can't get an appointment till Wednesday.So I don't know how pain right now, and I'm a painkiller. So we're. It's very 70s. I'm on quails right now. You gotta do what you gotta do to get to this movie, because this movie is. It's. It's. It's.It's a frustrating film. Martin, please, if you can give me the basic plot of. Of. Of She's Dressed to Kill.
Martin
It's almost like a Ten little. In like a Ten Little Indians rip off. So like an Agatha Christie Ten Little Indians.It's this modeling agency and they go to this fashion designer's house on top of a mountain, and only gondola can take you up and down. They have this fashion show. There's a whole bunch of people invited, and the gondola breaks. But even before.And so, like, they're all there and they're getting picked off one by one, and we don't know who the killer is. It could be one of them. It could be an outside person. And, you know, eventually you find out who the killer is, but you're kind of like, wait, what?
Patrick
It's a classic setup that they fuck up royally on every possible level. And yet it's also brilliant at the same time.
Martin
Yes, it was a good idea. I mean, the idea. I could see it on paper. It's kind of a cool.
Patrick
On paper. And the fact that it was much easier with the other title. If I just asked you, what's the plot of someone who's killing the world's greatest models?You can say, well, someone's killing the world's greatest models. And that would be enough
Martin
And that would be a lie. Because Joanna Cassidy was not the world at that point. She was like 50. Not 50, but she was not.
Patrick
Honey, she stumbled. She stumbled during the fashion show and they left it in. She straight up tripped and left it in. Do you know how many takes they.
Martin
Had to do even get that one?
Patrick
No, I, I let, I let it slide outside. Whatever. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. We suspend your disbelief.
Martin
Yes.
Patrick
We're also supposed to believe that this is the world's greatest fashion designer. We have to get.
Martin
Okay, a lot of, lot of suspension.
Patrick
This, this mo. A mid show fashion show. Like we. The, the action stops dead for a fashion show. And it's not even good. It's not even bad. It's just awful.Anyway, we're not there yet. When I started watching this movie as an adult, I was like, oh my God, this is amazing.Because the models are getting murdered by their makeup, which is so,.
Martin
So ridiculous.
Patrick
No, it's wonderfully campy.
Martin
It's.
Patrick
What do I mean? What do I. When they're being murdered by the makeup, what do I mean, Martin?
Martin
So before they even leave for the trip, one of the models tries on his lipsticks. Ooh, it tastes bitter.
Marissa
Ooh, that is awful.
Assorted Old Dudes
It's strawberry.
Marissa
Oh, tastes more like bitter bitter almonds or something. Oh, check the box they just came in today.
Martin
It's supposed to be strawberry. And then all of a sudden, like they're talking to her and she's just kind of sitting there like stone faced because she's dead now.
Marissa
Marissa, my darling, what is all this about refusing to do Regine Danton's show? You've worked here long enough to know that no one refuses a job unless they're dying. Marissa. Marissa. I want an answer. Marissa.
Patrick
Marissa.
Martin
There's arsenic in the lip gloss.
Patrick
Cyanide. Thank you. Enough cyanide.
Martin
Cyanide. Sorry.
Patrick
Enough cyanide to down an elephant. Martin?
Martin
Yes. This is the lip gloss that came in the mail?
Irene
Yes, it's in it. What's wrong with the lip gloss?
Assorted Old Dudes
Well, nothing, except it contains enough cyanide to take out the Bears backfield.
Martin
Not a 40 year old model. These models are not spring chickens. I was like, especially models, like 18, 19. These women were like well into menopause.
Patrick
Well, it's also the 70s, honey. So it's all smoking and saccharine. So cocaine. They've seen some. And if you're a model and you're doing a ABC movie of the week, it's a step down.You're at the end of your career. Anyway, please continue.
Martin
Oh, well. So the very beginning is Kanye Salica is this young spray candy. We can't find candy. She's got it doing her hair. It's nerve gas.
Alan
G4 type 2.
Assorted Old Dudes
The army code for nerve gas.
Alan
First Marissa with a lip gloss and now Candy with a hairspray.
Patrick
Nerve gas in the hairspray.
Patrick
Come on.
Patrick
This is. This should be hilarious. And it's just not. Yeah, this should be gay heaven. And it's just not. Except what it is. What it is, it really is.And when it's not, it's really not.
Martin
Like it was. It was. It was a smart idea, you know, but it just like.
Patrick
But they didn't follow through on it.
Martin
No, that was it. And then that was only two got killed by the makeup. Then it was like just random people. And then like, men were being killed.Like, the designer Tony gets killed. And just. It just gets off. It just. Yeah, yeah.
Patrick
It wanders off. Yeah. We started filling running time. Because the other thing is that this is when the last we met, we were doing a movie from the early seventies.We did Crow Haven Farm. Back then they were ninety minutes. And when. Ninety minutes. That was ninety minutes with commercials with an hour and ten minutes.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
But by this time, we're getting greedy and they're trying to fill two hour slots in this movie's padded. Pat it, pat it, pat it, pat it bad. With lots of things that just don't need to be there. Pattyman, Patty.And something shouldn't be there that are fabulous. But that's not the point right now. This is directed by a guy named Gus Draconis.Gus Draconis, as an actor, was in the original west side Story movie, which I think is pretty cool.
Martin
Ooh.
Patrick
He was a dancer.
Martin
Shark or a jet. Do we know?
Patrick
I don't know. With a name like Droconus, I'm guessing he's probably a shark. But then again, everybody was white. That bad makeup, who knows, who knows, who knows?No one will ever know. And I don't care. I don't care that much. He came from the wonderful world of exploitation films. 70S exploitation films.He did a movie called Super Cock. It's about a cock fighting. It's about a chicken. It's about a chicken. And it started Nancy Kwan of Oriental Pearl Queen fame.
Martin
Never. She fell so low. From Susie Wong. You may know me from the world of Susie Wong. Flower Jump Song, and Super Cock.
Patrick
Yep. Yeah. So he did that. He did. He did something called the swinging Barmaids, the student Bodies.
Martin
I think I saw that.
Patrick
I don't think that's the right name for the movie. It says the horror starring Richard Crown. I don't think that's the right name of the movie. So I'm going to skip that.But later on he was going to, he was going to Grace's. I think even though it's a 1981 film, I think I might have to cover it on the show.It's the 1981 TV movie Twirl starring Lisa Welchel and Erin Moran.
Martin
No.
Patrick
Shut up. Blair versus Joanie in a Twirl off to the death.
Martin
Oh, I, I, My money's on Blair.
Patrick
I think they both lose. And I think somebody. No, I think somebody else wins because they got their friendship back or something. I don't care. Who gives a, who gives a.It sounds fabulous. And it was written by a guy named George Lefferts. Two time Emmy Wimmer. Wimmer. George Winner.Wouldn't know for this, for something for the life called the Life of Benjamin Franklin. But lots of stuff I didn't recognize. Most of the stuff was before the 70s, which means it matter here.And the only 70s thing that he did that I recognized was the TV movie Bud and Lou about Abbott and Costello, which was terrible. It had Harvey Corman and Buddy Hackett. It was their real life, which is depressing. And they hated each other.I didn't want to sit through that for two hours. Made me laugh.
Martin
Monkey.
Patrick
One of the problems that I have with this movie is that it's all focused in the wrong spots. Like we, we started, you mentioned we started with Connie. Who's Connie Sellecca. I mean, who is Connie Sellecca as a person?
Martin
She's like a huge like TV person. She was in hotels. She was in like TV movies all the time. She became like a big household name. Like everybody knew my mom. Oh, she's beautiful.Like, like, yeah, my mom.
Patrick
She's our greatest American hero.
Martin
Oh, yes. Yeah. So everybody knew her. She was like a household name.
Patrick
Pretty much a movie that we'll be covering here eventually here at some point. The Bermuda Depths where she was the mysterious Jenny. That's what she's like.She's like the weird ghosty girl who's connected to a giant turtle and it's really weird.
Martin
Oh my God.
Patrick
I remember that movie.
Martin
I thought I dreamt that.
Patrick
I thought that was fake.
Martin
That's a real movie.
Patrick
No, it's a real movie. It's a real movie.
Martin
It kind of scared me as a kid.
Patrick
Yeah, it's a scary movie.
Martin
It's a real movie.
Patrick
It's a real movie and it's. It's oddly beautiful. Now it doesn't feel like a TV movie at all. I just watch it. It doesn't make any sense. The best thing about me. We're off topic.Off topic. But that's this movie. That's this movie. Can't stay on top of Guy.
Martin
Thank you for mentioning that. I have to go watch that.
Patrick
The Bermuda Depth. I'll send it to you. The Bermuda Depth. They did a contract with the same special effects people who did Godzilla.
Martin
That's why it's a little scary, I guess.
Patrick
And it's also produced by the people, Rank and Basque, who did all the stop motion Christmas.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
Cartoons and stuff. In the middle of it, all of a sudden you have these Godzilla special effects. Like this doesn't sit anything. But I don't care. We're all cocaine.It's fine. Okay, so that's kind of something.I mean, the movie opens with Connie Sellecca and you think, oh, we're going to follow Connie Sellecca through this movie. And then she doesn't get developed at all. She's kind of the star, but we don't know anything about her.
Martin
Yes.
Patrick
And people that are the most interesting by far are Regine.
Regine
Now we must all try to be gay and forget the tragedy.
Martin
Oh, yeah.
Patrick
The fashion designer and Jessica Walters.
Martin
Yeah.
Irene
Jacques, Irene. I'll be brief, my love. As far as the Barton Agency is concerned, you no longer, longer exist. None of my models will ever work for you again.You're out of the business, darling.
Patrick
Yeah. Jessica Walters and, oh, Regine.
Martin
She's an old time actress. Right.
Patrick
Jessica Walters and Eleanor Parker. They know exactly what movie they're in.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
And they are serving it. They are having a ball like.
Martin
Darling, how are you? Oh, darling. And oh, she's terrible. It was very tongue in cheek.
Regine
Irene, you look ravishing, darling.
Irene
So do you.
Patrick
And the fun thing is that Eleanor Parker and Jessica Walker Walters were together before on a TV movie. The tv, which we covered here on the show already.They were both in Home for the Holidays with Sally Field, which is when the whole bunch of sisters that came home to deal with their ailing father over Christmas and someone starts murdering them with a pitchfork.
Martin
Holy cow.
Patrick
Jessica Walters was the drunk in this one. They switched roles.
Martin
Like Betty White and Rumatina had in bed.
Patrick
These two are crackling. They are serving ridiculous. And Eleanor Parker is doing an incredible Tallulah Bankhead impression which is delicious to watch.She is chewing all the scenery. There is not A piece of fake, fake scenery that does not have her teeth marks in it. And nobody is coming close to that.Nobody is matching that energy. Except for Jessica Walter, who's serving. Who's serving Stone cold bitch in the most delicious way.
Martin
Yes. Agreed. Those two are like the highlight of the entire thing whenever they're in the scene. Like, yes, finally. More please.
Patrick
But we're not focusing on them. Instead, we're focusing on this awful love relationship between John Rubenstein.
Martin
What a ghoulish, disgusting. Like, everybody's being murdered and let's fall in love. Like, it's ridiculous. It is. I was like, this is. How could you be thinking about like.I think you proposed to her, you met her a day ago and you're gonna get fucking. So I'm freaking married.
Patrick
We could all be dead tomorrow. We could all be dead tomorrow. Let's get married tonight to the ugliest.
Martin
Girl on the mountain.
Patrick
She's the ugliest girl in the world according to this mov. We have to come back to that. She's.
Martin
She's not even ugly.
Patrick
I was like, so mean. This love story hinges on the fact that she's the ugliest girl ever. All anybody does is talk about how ugly she is. And she's not ugly.We're talking about Gretchen Corbin. She used to be on the Rockford File. She's lovely. She's a lovely young woman. And all people do is about what an ugly cow she is.So I don't buy anything that's happening. This whole movie's a lie.
Martin
So ugly.Like, before we even meet her, before we get her, like before she arrives, like, oh, she's bringing the rich Texas girl woman and her ugly daughter are coming. It's like that's she's. She's preface before you can see her as the ugly daughter.
Alix
And who's the woman with the rocks on her chest?
Camille
Oh, that one. That's Deani Gooch. Her husband practically owns Texas. She was one of Regine's big customers years ago.
Alix
What about the girl with her?
Camille
Oh, the plain looking one? That's Deanie's daughter, Laura. She's reputed to have been hatched from an ostrich egg. Oh, no, no, that's terrible. She's purely a nice girl.She's just trying to be made into a flaming beauty by Deanie.
Alix
Poor kid. She looks sad.
Camille
She is. Wouldn't you be?
Martin
Then she comes in and she just has a dowdy face. But she's not. She's a pretty woman. Like, it's ridiculous. Ridiculous. And. But they fall in love, which is disgusting.
Patrick
They didn't put glasses on her. They didn't put her in a ponytail.
Martin
No glasses. And ponyt. At least a pony. Like, at least the pony.
Patrick
Come on, Dowdy overalls, some shit. Nothing. They did nothing to ugly this girl up. And Martin, this is something that. It's just. It's so stupid. So the two.We're focusing on them falling in love and they're boring. These characters are the least interesting people on the planet. I don't buy her being ugly.And I don't trust him because he's set up at the beginning as a gross woman.
Irene
I've warned you before, Alan. Stay away from my girls.
Alan
What's the matter? You jealous?
Irene
Cute. Alan, very cute. I just don't want them moping around threatening to quit my agency because the great Alan Lenz has broken their hearts.
Alan
Oh, Irene.
Irene
I mean it, darling. One more time and you're out on your rear.
Patrick
He's fucked everybody on this mountain. And now he's coming off the one. The one easy mark. It feels gross.
Martin
I thought. I thought for sure, oh, she's an easy mark because she's ugly. He's gonna get with this one.
Patrick
We're all gonna die. I fucked. I fucked everybody else.
Martin
And then he got weird.
Patrick
Everybody else.
Martin
There's like one scene where he got intense and I'm like, maybe he's the killer. I thought for a second, like, because he got really weird with her one time. Like, oh, maybe it.
Laura
Were you very close to Irene?
Alan
Yes. I never realized how much she meant to me. But I was also very close to him.
Patrick
Marissa.
Marissa
And.
Patrick
And Candy and Jackie and Camille.
Marissa
And now I'm very close to you. I'm not gonna be killed. How can you be sure of that? Only the beautiful women are getting killed.
Martin
And I also think they kept Connie Sellecca a little bit Alix a little bit weird because she could be the killer because she doesn't like kung fu. And I'm like, maybe it's her. Maybe she's Kung Fu Connie.
Patrick
Yeah, we got Kung Fu K. We'll come back to all that. Who's John Rubenstein?
Martin
He was the original Pippin.
Patrick
He sure was.
Martin
Everyone has their season. Everyone has their.
Patrick
I'm gonna be fitting as many Pippin quotes into this as I possibly can.
Martin
Please do.
Patrick
Yeah, he was. He's. He's the original Pippin on Broadway. But he's a TV staple. Yeah, made for TV movies, the 70s.He was in the Howling, in the woods with Barbara Eden. Something evil with Sandy. Not Sandy Dennis. Sandy. Yes, Eddie Dennis. I get Sandy Dennis. And Sandy Duncan.He was in the car, which I just watched the other night. And he was also in Kyle Richards.
Martin
Right?
Patrick
And Kim Richards.
Martin
And Kim.
Patrick
Yeah. And he was on. He was. He was the head of the Wolfram at heart on angel in the 90s. He's in the Buffyverse.
Martin
Very cool.
Patrick
And since I judge people in the 70s on their camp. No, no, no. The important things. I judge them on how many. How many fantasy hours of Love Boats they did.So he did two Fantasy Islands, four Love Boats, and one Murder She Wrote. So that's pretty high camp.
Martin
That's a lot.
Patrick
That's pretty high camp for John Rubenstein. He was getting.My dear friend and co hosted over on Demi Wonka Lewis has really woken me up to visual storytelling, how filmmakers will tell stories without words. And what was cracking me up is they kept doing this to. To Laura Gooch. The other girl's name is a Laura Gooch. Come on. Come on.
Martin
I went back and read the cast list. I know who I was talking about. I was like, laura Gooch. I'm like, no, please, no.
Patrick
Get her a Dr. Pepper. Are we doing any mame? What's happening? Twice. Twice they have her.They have a shot of her sitting on the staircase, where she shot behind the bars of the staircase. And another one where she's sitting on the. On the walking path. On the. On the cliff of the mountain.
Martin
Get a kiss to the bars.
Patrick
Hold on. Well, she's behind the bars. So literally, they're putting her in prison. I'm an ugly girl prison. I'm trapped in the prison of my own ugliness.Off movie.
Martin
And he liberates her.
Patrick
I liberated you from your ugly prison. Let my people go. It's so stupid.
Martin
But then at the end, he says something about her money. He's like, oh, I'm marrying a rich heiress.
Patrick
I was like, dude, whatever. We jumped in.
Martin
Whatever.
Patrick
It's fine. It's fine, it's fine. Just halfway there. I do like to set this somewhat so you can just walk me through the opening.Like this opening scene with Connie and. And John Rubenstein.
Martin
Oh, yes.
Patrick
It really does set the tone for the show.
Martin
So she's. It's like a photographer and a model, and she's in a Morticia Adams chair, like those wicker chairs in the 70s at a potted plant.And he's like, taking a picture, and she keeps putting her hand on her face. Like, take your hand from your face and she'll take the hand Away and put it back. It's like, no, hand away from your face.And she'll take the hand away, and he's like, turn back to the left side. And she'll turn back to the right side. She just was absolutely unwatchable. It was so annoying. She basically was terrible.
Alan
Well, you're moving around too much now. Okay, just hold one position. When you like it.
Alan
Just.
Alan
Okay, cheer up now.
Alan
Here I am. Okay, I've gotten about 800 pictures of your fingers now.
Alan
Could you get them away from your face?
Alan
No, turn back the other way. I got my lights over there for you. Okay, this won't be too much longer.
Alan
Okay, look at me here.
Alan
No, no hand.
Alan
Only eyes. I want to see eyes and no hands. All right, now give me your eyes. You keep looking down. All right, look, don't try to see me through here.
Alan
Just try to cheer up.
Alan
Really cheer up a little bit. You look. You look glum.
Alan
No, turn back the other way.
Alan
That's where I have you lit.
Alan
Thank you. Could you bring your hair back out in front?
Alan
That looked really nice, the hair there.
Alan
That's good. All right, good.
Alan
Get your hand out of the shot. I don't like your hand.
Alan
I mean, it's a pretty hand, but.
Alan
Where are you going?
Alan
I'm sorry, Miss. Goldman. Alix Goldman.
Alan
This is a little difficult for me.
Alan
To say to you.
Alan
What you have here is a rather.
Alan
Important opportunity in your life. I don't know how you did it, but you walked in off the street and you talked Irene Barton. Did you know that Irene Barton was.
Alan
The toughest agent in the business?
Alan
You knew that? Well, somehow you talked her into giving her this modeling test. And quite frankly, you're very pretty and.
Alan
You're trying very hard, but you're blowing it.
Martin
After maybe, like, five minutes of him being like, don't put your hands up. And she keeps doing it. He's like, you know what? I'm done. Yeah, I don't blame him. He's like, yours is not working now.
Alan
That's very good.
Alan
That's very good.
Alan
Get out of the potted tree there.
Alan
Don't want to be Sheena of the jungle. Okay, that's good.
Alan
That's good.
Alan
Well, no, hold still, hold still. Listen, I'm not really getting anything very good here.
Alan
Why don't I just print what I.
Alan
Have and show it to Irene?
Patrick
Okay, I really have to stop now.
Martin
So what she does then is. No, no, I want to. I really need this. I need this. He's like, no, I'm sorry. So she karate chops him now. That's very good. That's very good.
Patrick
Get out of the potted tree there.
Alan
Don't want to be Sheena of the jungle. Okay, okay.
Alan
That's good. That's good.
Alan
Well, no, wholesale. Wholesale. Listen, I'm not really getting anything very good here.
Alan
Why don't I just print what I.
Alan
Have and show it to Irene? Okay, I really have to stop now.
Alix
I'm very sorry, Mr. Lenz. I'd really like to try a few more. You don't understand. This is very important to me.
Alan
I'm sure it is.
Alix
All my life, all I've ever dreamed about was becoming a model.
Alan
Yeah, you and about a thousand other girls. Look, we've done everything we can, I think for the afternoon.
Alan
I have another engagement which is going.
Alan
To start in about half an hour.
Alan
There's nothing. What are you doing?
Alix
You want energy, right?
Alan
Yeah, but I don't want to be raped.
Alix
I'm a brown belt. Karate. If I wanted, I could snap your arm.
Alan
I believe you.
Alan
You know what? I think you might have some. Something there.
Martin
I like throws him to the ground and like sits on him and is like, you're going to take more pictures? And then of course he's like, oh, yeah, baby.
Patrick
No, what he said was, I don't want to be raped. Yeah, but I don't want to be raped.
Martin
I forgot the mountain. That was. That was interesting.
Patrick
I'm saving myself for the ugliest girl on the mountain. No.
Marissa
Yeah.
Patrick
And then she just. She starts to showing off her kung fu skills and that. She's. He's like, oh, wait, this is good. This is good.Now all of a sudden she's gonna be a famous model.
Martin
Yeah. And of course Irene loves those pictures.
Patrick
And the phone is my new protege. When they show the pictures that they. On the. Like on the. On the one sheet that. That Irene is looking at. They're not the pictures that they took.
Martin
She's like, thank you.
Patrick
Martin's posing. For those who are listening, turn into the left one. Kung fu arm. It's really stupid. It's really stupid.
Martin
Terrible.
Patrick
Yeah. They went up making out and it' on the floor. It's gross.
Alan
You really something, you know that?
Alix
Do I look good?
Alan
Look fantastic.
Alix
I was warned that you come on to all your models.
Alan
Only the good ones.
Martin
Oh, weird.
Patrick
But it just set the tone of. Of.
Martin
Of him being a womanizer. He's. He gets all the models and, and you know everybody. Yeah, he keeps dating them.And she even says him, if you date them, the model, I'm not using you anymore, you know, like you're done in my agency. So, like, he's. That's why he dates the ugly girl? Because he doesn't want to get fired? Who knows?
Patrick
Because all the pretty ones are dead. All the pretty ones are dead. I might as well have you now.
Martin
Well, she had that fantasy. She says in one of her things, I wish all the pretty girls were dead when I was younger and that I could just be a row full of ugly women like me.
Laura
When I was a teenager, I used to have fantasies that all the beauties would get wiped off the face of the earth. Earth. And the only ones left would be us plain ones with. With pimples and flat chests. Crazy.
Patrick
I'd be the prettiest ugly girl on the mountain. I'd still be the ugliest girl. Ridiculous. Yeah. All this. It's so icky.And then we spend the first to have the first quarter of the movie following Connie's journey to be a model, becoming an Irene, whatever she's doing, like,.
Martin
You know, Runway walks and how to do her makeup and how to do her hair and.
Alix
Well, thanks anyway, but I'm being transformed, whatever that means. Well, that's no small potatoes, you know,.
Alan
That's like having your virginity restored. Where's Ms. J?
Patrick
Where's Ms. J? Where is Ms. J?
Assorted Old Dudes
Now we'll walk for an hour.
Alix
Oh, I don't have that much energy. Honey.
Assorted Old Dudes
A model is on her feet for.
Assorted Old Dudes
14 Hours a day.
Assorted Old Dudes
You want to be a model, walk.
Patrick
And we don't need to see any of this because none of it matters. It's all filler and what it's. They do a lot of my. My fear of this.I know they try to pack in as many people as they can on contract into these things because they don't have to pay them anymore because they're already on contract to be in these movies. So they just overload casts like this. And there are people who don't need to be here.Like, this is guy who's teaching her how to put on makeup, and all she's doing is not putting mascara on one eye over and over.She can't actually put on mascara because then she's gonna actually fuck up her makeup, and they're gonna have to redo her makeup so she can't actually do anything. So I know It's a catch 22, but he's like, yeah, more of that. Do more of that.
Assorted Old Dudes
Nice. Very nice. That's it.
Assorted Old Dudes
What?
Assorted Old Dudes
Ice. Catch on fast.
Assorted Old Dudes
Try a little more.
Assorted Old Dudes
That's it.
Assorted Old Dudes
Very good, Alix. Very good. Now try a little more of that. That's it.
Patrick
More of that thing on your right eye that you've been doing for two minutes. Keep putting more. More mascara on that one.
Patrick
Connie.
Patrick
In these opening segments, she really comes off as a real twat. Yeah, I just kind of like her.
Martin
No, you don't like her. That's why I was like, maybe they're trying to make her like us, think she's the word.Like she's crazy or weird because she won't talk about her past or like, you know, you don't know much about her. But we keep seeing her. It's like she's our main character. But, like, we don't know jack about her. We don't know what's going on.Like, what's happening here.
Patrick
Yeah, the little glimpses that we get, like, there's nothing going on in her head. She comes off as a real idiot. But Jessica Walter asked her, why do.
Irene
You want to be a model?
Patrick
And she said,
Alix
well, it seems exciting.
Alix
And it pays well.
Patrick
Yeah, well, it sounds interesting. And it pays well. Yeah, no passion, no drive, no nothing. And then later on, she's talking to one of the models and she's like.When she's talking to Joanna Cassidy, she's like, well, it was an active school, and that was, like, really hard. And this just seemed easier.
Martin
Easier.
Alix
I've always wanted to do this. Always wanted to be a model.I tried speech and drama at nyu, but I figured out that it's easier to make a buck modeling than it is fending off all those assistant directors,.
Martin
Joanna Cassidy's like, leave this business, girl.
Patrick
So we have no, no stakes. It's the way she gets in. Is that so? And now we're introduced to Reggie. Tell me about Ray. I'm sorry. Tell me about Regine.You have to get that at the beginning because she always does that. She just gives that French regime.
Martin
So she's kind of like a. Has been like the Gloria Vanderbilt type. She was this big fashion designer. And then she.
Patrick
Little Gloria, happy at last. Different TV movie. Please continue.
Martin
And then she, I guess, has become a drunk and, like, hasn't had a collection in a long time. And she decides she's going to relaunch herself. She has a whole new collection. It's a fabulous darling. But she wants all of her old models.She doesn't want any new models, just her favorite five models she always, always uses, which I had a problem with the names. Kate, Camille, Candy. Like, they're all like. It's all the same name. Like, I couldn't keep them straight because it's like.
Patrick
Like all models matter. We don't meet any of them. We spent no time with them. They're. They're there to die. They're there to walk around in ugly clothes and die.
Martin
I think Candy had, like, a line like, where's the bathroom? We're like.
Patrick
That was Candy's model, you know, that's. Can't Candy always take a nose Candy?
Martin
Nose Candy, yeah. It was basically like she wants only her old models. But of course, that one model dies from a. You know, the gloss being poisoned, which.
Patrick
Opens the door for Kung Fu Connie.
Martin
Yes. And, oh, I have a new protege here. And Regine totally snubs her. It was really good.
Regine
Camille.
Regine
Camille. Hello.
Regine
Hello. All my favorite models. Jacqueline, Arcade, Candy. All my favorite models. Oh, I feel as if my family is together again after all these years.Where's Marissa?
Irene
Marissa couldn't make it. Regine.
Regine
Oh, no, nothing serious, I hope. Well, we can discuss it later,
Irene
Alix.In the meantime, I have brought my newest protege, Alix Goldman. Alix, Madame Regine. Nice to meet you.
Regine
So nice to meet you. Welcome, everyone.
Martin
She's like. Oh, like, walks away.
Patrick
Everything out of her mouth is so gold. This phone call between Jessica, Walter and Regine, where we meet, where we're meeting Regine for the first time is so good. It's so.I'd be playing all the audio. That's all of. It's delicious. Because she is really all about. But I've decided to restore elegance.
Martin
Yeah. To fashion. To fashion.
Patrick
It's always elegance.
Martin
Yes.
Patrick
Welcome to the renaissance of elegance.
Irene
Regine, darling, how are you? Well, I thought you died up on that mountaintop.
Regine
My big comeback, darling. I have been working on a new collection and is finally ready.I'm so tired of blue jeans and peasant blouses. I have decided to restore elegance to the world of fashion, darling. Now, what I want is all of my old favorites.Kate, Candy, Marissa, Jacqueline and Camille. Now, the showing will be completely private. Just a few of the top buyers and editors. Oh, well, Victor, of course.It's difficult, but he is the most important columnist in the fashion world.
Irene
Oh, Regine. How exciting. Designed a new collection.
Alan
I hear she can't even stand up.
Irene
I'm sorry, darling. I was talking to Alan Lenz. You remember Alan?He's always falling in love with one of my top models.
Regine
Irene, you will get them for me. All my favorites for old times sake.
Irene
Well, Camille hasn't been working lately, but I think I can find her now.I'll supply the makeup and the hair people, darling. But it won't be cheap. Au regime. It's wonderful to know that you're coming back to the rag business. You always were the reigning queen.Well, I'll speak to you later about the details. Au revoir, Sherry.
Patrick
And she's a dragon lady. She is a 100 dragon. She's got the three foot long cigarette holder, gigantic tumblr booze, and if you don't get the tease alcoholic.After she hangs the phone with Jessica Walter, we have a nice tight close up of her drinking out of this tumbler with both hands with this audible glug, glug, glug. I tired of blue jeans and peasant blouses.
Martin
Boxes.
Patrick
Meanwhile, she's got. She's got. She's got an assistant.
Martin
Yes. Other woman. The old tag.
Patrick
Peter Horton for 30 Something and Children of the Corn.
Martin
Oh, yes, yes.
Patrick
Who's an up and coming fashion designer who wears beige khakis and a Gap sweater. What's happening?
Martin
And he's gay. He's not dressed like this.
Patrick
What happening?
Martin
Yeah, it's late 70s. He should be a little more. I don't know.
Patrick
You know, if we scroll back, if we had pulled the camera back, he would have been wearing boat shoes. 100. Wearing both shoes with the outfit.
Martin
But he is an out gay character I was happy about. Although he's an army deserter and a criminal and.
Patrick
Exactly.
Martin
Still he is gay.
Patrick
And it would. And it would be. And it would be fashion thief.
Martin
Exactly. Well, he did design them. I don't, I don't blame him for that.
Patrick
That.
Martin
Good point.
Patrick
Yeah. There's a whole thing where, where she, she's like. She hasn't designed the collection, he's designed the collection.But she's not going to let him take any credit for.
Martin
She promis him credit. And then she's like, no, no one wants cares about your design. My design. Like he's all mad. Didn't get any kind of message.
Patrick
The world is waiting for Regine, not Tony Smith.
Regine
I've done it. I've done it. Irene will bring all my old mothers and Victor will come, which means everyone will come. Oh, where is Rudy with those mannequins?This is my jacket.
Tony
I've cut it on the bias and it's sheer.
Regine
I sent a wire to that dreadful Texan and her ugly daughter.
Tony
What about the ready to wear boys?
Tony
That's Max and Marcel from Gladwick.
Patrick
Sounds like a comedy team.
Regine
It is, but they do 10 million a year in schlock.
Tony
Oh, yeah. How much do we get?
Regine
I get $25,000 for each pattern they buy. Oh, darling, it's going to be a huge success.Madame Regine restores elegance to the world of fashion.
Tony
Oh, you aren't forgetting designs by Tony Smith, are you? I mean, I've been. I've been working on this collection day and night for months.
Regine
The world is waiting for Regine, not Tony Smith.
Tony
Are you saying you intend to take credit for my designs?
Regine
Full credit.
Tony
And if I refuse?
Regine
Oh, then I'll give you credit. Of course. Using your real name. Marvin Bullock, deserter from the United States army stockade. You really are something, Reggie.I took you in, I hid you, I fed you, I taught you my designs. Wait, don't get it. A flap. Darling, I. I promise I'll mention your name. I mention your name. Now. Now, please stop pouting and give me a kiss.Come on, give me a kiss.
Martin
Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
Patrick
But I love all that. This. This whole scene with him is great with her, too, because she's so excited about the collection. She's like.She's just squirming on the desk in H poses and, like, wrapping her own scarf around her head over and over. She's just got. She's got this child who insane drunk lead to everything. That's so much fun to watch.
Martin
It's unbelievable. You like. You know this person like you.
Patrick
My mom is an alcoholic. I'm allowed to laugh at this reciped mom. I know when she was on the upswing.But the thing that's so frustrating about this, like, okay, everything's about this fashion show. This. Everybody's coming up to this mountaintop retreat that's in Palm Spring. I mean it physically. Palm Spring. Supposed to be in Arizona.But for this glorious fashion show. And the movie stops dead. For the fashion show. Like, we have 50,000 people show up and they try to.
Martin
Okay, only the hat. What's with the fruit basket on her head? There's like, a gondola's full of, like, what, 30 people?
Patrick
Thank you. Before we get to the fast. I mean, it's such a hurry to get to the fashion faster because it's such shit. The gondola ride is up. Is so good.Another great scene for so many reasons. Basically because it's Joanna Cassidy reading everybody to filth in front of them.
Martin
You're in a gondola. They're right there. They hear you.
Patrick
You're in a metal box that's like 12ft wide.
Martin
That's the ugly kid. Have you met Laura? The ugly Girl.
Patrick
Oh, excuse me. I believe what she said was her face looks like she stepped in a landmine. Ding dong Patrick from the future here.I got a little confused when I was speaking with Martin about the order of things here. Okay, first of all, Joanna Cassidy. I keep mentioning Joanna Cassidy. Joanna Cassidy plays Camille.She's an older model, she's a little bit chubbier, she doesn't work as much anymore. She's a little bit bitter. And Joanna Cassidy, if you don't know who she is, she was in Blade Runner. She was the.She was the lady heroine, Dolores in who Framed Roger Rabbit. She was on Six Feet under, all that stuff. She has a monologue that she gives to Kung Fu Connie where she reads everybody in the gondola to filth.Basically introducing all the characters that we're going to need to know for this murder mystery and also reading them to film. But I got things a little out of order here because I thought she started the nasty comments about the world's ugliest girl, but she didn't.It was Clive Revel. Cliverell, renowned New Zealand character actor. You've seen him in everything. He was in the Legend of Hill House. Buddy Lake is missing.Zoro, the Gay Blade. If you need an upscale Britishy snobbishy cunt of a person, you cast Clyde Ravel.
Camille
That, that little creature over there talking to Irene is Victor de Stell. He's the world's number one fashion columnist. An Olympic class rat.
Alix
Ah, so I should make nice.
Camille
Well, if you get on Victor's death lift, you may as well quit the business.
Patrick
But it's actually him, not Camille, that says the savage line about the landmine. Gotta give country credit where country credit is due. Bing bong. Back to the show.
Victor
Is that Camille Betancore over there?
Victor
Her face looks as if she stepped on a landmine. Camille, darling, love you.
Patrick
Holy.
Martin
So mean, so terrible.
Patrick
But she does it to everybody. One of the models is Kate. The only model that we've spent any significant time with, even that's not much, is Kate, who's. Who's the hunter.And yes, she's a professional hunter and a mountain climber.
Martin
An open lesbian and a big old lesbian.
Patrick
And that's basically what she says, like. Oh, her, the one with the football shoulders. Well,.
Camille
Let's see. Oh yes, that model over there with the football shoulders, that's Kate Bedford.You know, skier, mountain climber, big game hunter and legit full time skirt chaser. So watch yourself.
Patrick
She's referred to hunter, climber and a lesbian. She did Hunting, climbing and lesbian. Lesbian.
Martin
And warrented, like, don't let her moves on you.
Patrick
And like. And what about that girl over there? She. Oh, that black girl. She's the high.
Camille
And that black girl looking out the window with the binoculars. Jacqueline's gotten the highest hourly rate ever paid to a model. She's terrific.
Patrick
Oh, the casual racism of. It's like everything out of her mouth is awful. Colleagues, they're right there.
Martin
But at least she's the highest. At least she's the highest paid model. So she. Just pay her a compliment.
Patrick
Would you remember way back, way back on old snl, there's been a segment called that Black Girl that was like Marlo Thomas. That. Made me happy. Was it on the gondola? We discovered that in the cast is the fabulous Clive Revelle, Clive Revelation, all.If you want to feed British cunt, you can't.
Martin
Oh, yes. He was in lots and lots and lots of stuff. He was.
Patrick
Oh, he. He brought the salt. Just everything out of his mouth. Salt, Salt. It's welcome addition. He's another one who knows exactly what movie he's in.
Martin
Yes, yes.
Patrick
My final thing to round up this gondo trip where you're just trapped in this metal box with awful people is that they get stuck and fucking John Rubenstein decides, I'm gonna entertain everybody with wacky appetizer song and dance. Oh, stop. Please stop.
Martin
No.
Alan
Come on, lighten up, fellas. Hey, how about some. Some music?
Alan
I'm practically a virtuoso on the potato knish.
Alan
Watch this.
Alan
Yeah, well, this one happens to be.
Alan
A little bit out of tune.
Alan
Anybody have a chopped liver in the key of C? No.
Alan
Huh?
Alan
Well,.
Alan
Be uptight if you want to be uptight.
Alan
I personally am going to have a little more champagne.
Martin
Terrible. Oh, we meet Rudy.
Patrick
Snap. Let me plummet to my death because I don't want to sit there anymore of that.
Martin
We meet Rudy, who we think is going to be the killer because he's this mean thug. He's running the gondola and he's like. He threatens to beat someone up, right? Doesn't he try to threaten to beat someone up?
Victor
I've got an acute case of acrophobia and I'm trying to get us out of here.
Rudy
All right, Mr. Sell, just right this way.
Rudy
You just watch the first step in the gondola.
Patrick
He's always threatening to piece because it's Jonathan Banks for it's Mike from Breaking Bad. That's what he does. He just oozes villains. Yeah, he's a baby in this with long hair and big pouty lips. Look at him. Not all bald.He's, he's still creepy. But he's not all bald and creepy. Look at him. One of the many thousands of people that are in this. Yeah, thousands. Thousands of people.And we get to, we get to the top of the mountain and it, we immediately go to the fashion show and we've heard so much about it and I'm expecting it's 1979. This ought to be great.
Martin
Yeah.
Regine
Welcome to Casa Regine
Assorted Old Dudes
She's as drunk as a skunk.
Regine
Welcome to the Renaissance of Elegance
Patrick
It's not even bad.
Martin
It's just boring.
Patrick
It is. It's just so incredibly unremarkable. And it's like 10 minutes of screen time even.
Martin
Oh my gosh.
Patrick
When the fashion show in the women is better than your fashion show, we got a problem because that's terrible.
Martin
Yeah. And like these long ass descriptions.
Irene
This country's most famous designer is a woman whose interests are in all the international markets of the world. This style is definitely an influence of Spain. In what regime likes to call her suit of lights, Kate Bedford shows you the two piece look.The jacket top which is made of black and red marbleizer sequins, is totally hand embroidered. Another look at the suit of lights is this important little blazer jacket.Jacqueline wears it over a black camisole and sleek little pads of black crepe with a tiny red satin belt.
Martin
This crepe lined chic satin beaded gown with bias cut sleeves and mutton chop legs.
Patrick
Oh, the mutton chop sleeves. Oh, your grandma, she said, she said, she said, and I quote, your grandmother will love these leg of mutton sleeves.
Irene
Your grandmother would have loved these leg of mutton sleeves. Thank you.
Patrick
I don't know what a leg of mutton sleeve is, but I'm pretty sure if you're selling it that your grandmother will love that. That that's not the height of fashion. It's doubt. Everything's dowdy looking. Everything's. It's lots of sequins.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
Lots of pillbox hats.
Martin
And Joanna Cathy is in like in like a negligee at some point.
Patrick
Like she's a random negligee.
Martin
Like what is that, the Spanish number you the ugly girl is going to get to wear.
Deenie
We see you got a perfectly good body. We'll just classical fill it out a little bit. Oh, man. Just love flimsy gowns.
Patrick
And this is what confused me. We learned immediately during the fashion show that it's a flop. They like Martin said they've only sold one dress. There's that.They're expecting most of the business to come from the. The Ready to wear people. The people who are going to buy this and turn it all into schlock.
Martin
Schlock?
Patrick
You know the stuff for. For the. For the department stores. There's the $20,000 version. And we're going to make this copy of it for the. Yeah, and they don't want anything.
Assorted Old Dudes
The styling is too complicated. And if you'll excuse me, a little old fashioned for today's market people.
Assorted Old Dudes
Today, they have no taste.
Assorted Old Dudes
They want schlock.
Regine
I'm afraid I don't design for your market, gentlemen.
Patrick
And that's where the money comes from.
Camille
Artistic triumph. Unfortunately, a commercial flop. The Ready to Wear boys yawn through the whole thing.
Alix
Does Regine know?.
Camille
Sure. She knows that.You know that collection cost her over a hundred thousand dollars. And the only sale she made was that Spanish flour sack to the Texas lady.
Martin
Yeah, the regime.
Patrick
Which makes the whole subplot about Tony Smith being like. You didn't mention my name.
Tony
Now one word about my designs.
Regine
They came to see Regine, not Tony Smith.
Tony
You promised me
Regine
another time, Tony.
Tony
There's not going to be another time, Regine.
Patrick
Good.
Martin
Yes, good.
Patrick
Good. It's a flop. You don't want your name attached to this. Why is everybody still designed? It's a flaw flop. It is a flop. No one likes anything.
Martin
But then we find out. We forget when we find out later that they did love it. I mean they were pretending that they could get Tony to steal the patterns for them.
Victor
I'm sure you remember our two ready to wear pals, Max and Marcel.
Tony
Who could forget them?
Victor
They like the collection.
Tony
Well, they didn't buy a single item.
Victor
Why spend thousands on patterns when you.
Victor
Can knock them off for much less?
Tony
And you're the K O man.
Victor
Let's just say I'm acting as an intermediary.
Tony
Well, what do you need?
Victor
Copies of the patterns.
Tony
But how?
Victor
He was this dear boy. Five thousand bucks, huh? Cash. Plus a very nice write up in my column.
Martin
Yeah, well, suppose I refuse?
Tony
Suppose I expose you.
Victor
I'll simply deny it.
Victor
And you will be made into a factory second by my clients.
Patrick
Those gays We're all thieves.
Martin
Exactly. They had a big old conspiracy. Exactly.
Patrick
A sticky fingers.
Martin
Which leads to his demise.
Patrick
Yeah, it's.
Martin
Which is kind of another subplot. It's like have it about the design and espionage, whatever. And it's just. Yeah, crazy. And he gets caught when he's doing it too. By regime.
Patrick
Which is another Great scene. Yeah.
Martin
She's like, oh, my dear, he's murdering me.
Patrick
She does the white woman in danger routine, but drunk and over the top.
Regine
Having fun, Tony? Regine. I came upstairs for a little nightcap. Saw your flashes.
Tony
I was taking some pictures.
Regine
One in the morning.
Tony
I couldn't sleep.
Regine
Tony, darling, I've been in the rag business for a long time. I know a ripoff when I see one. Who are they for?
Tony
No one.
Regine
If you don't tell me, I'm going to expose you as a deserter.Pretty boy like you should have an interesting time in an army statue.
Tony
Regine, I warn you.
Regine
No, I warn you, you impudent little prig. Now. Now give me that camera and tell. Tell me who's paying you. I'm through with you. Give me that camera.
Tony
I've been in bondage for you for too long. Regine, I'm finished. Do you hear me? No more.
Regine
He's trying to kill me.
Rudy
Looks like we got ourselves a little psychopathic killer here.
Regine
I. I want to put away. He's a deserter. He. He. He escaped from an army stockade. He may have killed somebody.
Patrick
She knows what movie she's in. Exactly. She sells everything she's in. I love her so much.
Martin
But yeah, fast and show was terrible. I. I was expecting a lot more like chiffon Halstony. Kind of like. Like beautiful stuff. And we got like pillbox hats and mutton sleeves.
Patrick
Whatever they are.
Martin
Exactly.
Patrick
I don't know why everything reminded me. What my brain kept saying was the suddenly Last Summer Mo music video by the motel. Everything reminded me of that. I mean, I guess.Which is an early 80s look that was coming.
Martin
But that was the look that was considered high fashion at that moment in time. Yeah.
Patrick
As Tim Brad would say, it's all very mother of the bride.
Martin
Yes. Very mother of the bride.
Patrick
Oh, I like that one. I do. I do like. I do like ugly girls.
Marissa
Mom.
Martin
Yes. She's only like three scenes, like four lines. She and Candy.
Patrick
No, but all her lights about. Well, I'm gonna get married.
Deenie
We are all going to die. And Mama, just try to be calm. Someone is going to murder us one by one.
Martin
I wish your agent.
Patrick
Texas accent.
Deenie
Colette. Thank you. Listen, could you put Mr. Lynn's lens. Is that it? Close to us. I'd feel so much safer with a man nearby.
Patrick
Man love flimsy gowns.
Deenie
Oh, men just love flimsy gowns.
Martin
And why didn't the other people have a Texas accent? That's her mother. And they live in Texas. Why does she have like A New.
Patrick
England, because, you know, they sent her.
Martin
Away to finishing school.
Patrick
Yeah, they said they sent her to Eastland so I didn't have to look at her.
Martin
So ugly. Mrs. Garrett will take care of her.
Patrick
Put some food on your face, honey. It won't help, but we won't have to look at you directly. Yeah. So it's the fashion show. Pretty much everybody leaves. Most of 50 million people leave.
Martin
Well, also, she finds Candy dead during the fashion show. Doesn't tell anybody. Regine was like, oh, where's Candy? Why isn't she in that dress? And she's dead. And she's like, oh, like, finish the show.
Regine
Oh, Rudy, have you found Candy?
Tony
Yeah, I have. Oh, I wouldn't go in there, Ms. Denton.
Regine
Why not?
Rudy
Ms. Carol's in there.
Regine
Well, good. I've been looking everywhere for her.
Rudy
She's dead.Close the door and lock it. She's not going to spoil my show. Amen, Ms. Den. You know, I got a record. If there's any trouble. I'm in bad shape.Not a word, Not a word until the last guest is gone, you understand? Or you are out of a job.
Martin
Can't waste time. My favorite models. But, oh, well, one less. So doesn't Connie sadly have to wear that gown at the end?Connie versus the Showstopper, I think, because I always thought they're trying to make it seem like she was the murderer because, like, she gets to wear the gowns. But, you know, was.
Patrick
Was there a showstopper in the bed? But no, actually, no. Since we are here. Since we're here.I discovered as I was, you know, pulling up pictures from the movie, that model who plays Kate, she's dressed in a gown. At one point during the fashion show that was designed by the same designer who designed for Marilyn. That was a lot of that was.I said design three times in one sense, by the same designer who made gowns for Marilyn Monroe.
Marissa
Ah.
Martin
And they don't even show it. You don't make anything out of it.
Patrick
It's never on the Runway. It's like you get 15 seconds of it. She's standing at the mirror going, is this my dress? And you know what?A second that you see it because you're like that. I could see Marilyn Monroe. And that is a stunning dress.
Martin
And they don't even use it. Don't mention it.
Patrick
Not even feature. And the fact. The fact that they. They hired this guy to make one dress for one model who's not even featured. And you advertise the fact that back.This was in the paper within an article saying that this is what's happening. And then you don't even showcase it. And it is stunning.
Martin
That should have been the showstopper at the end. She should have walked out in that.
Patrick
Yeah, kind of. Selica should have been it. Somebody should have been in it. Yeah, it should be featured. But it wasn't.
Martin
Anyway.
Patrick
But they're all dead now. But there's a couple of things like that that don't follow through, and I think it's just filler. There's a scene even before they go.After the first model gets the. The cyanide on her lipstick, Jessica Walters gets a creepy phone call on her answering machine.
Assorted Old Dudes
Hello, renne
Assorted Old Dudes
Darling, Before I finish, no model in the world will work for you. You are dead. Just dead.
Assorted Old Dudes
No mother will ever work with you again.
Martin
Yes, I forgot about that, actually.
Patrick
Well, it's so early on, and even afterwards, she listens to him, says, that's funny. It sounds like. Anyway, just forget about it. Don't tell anyone.
Camille
Are you all right, Ms. Barton?
Irene
Yeah. For a moment I thought.
Camille
Any idea who that could be?
Irene
Oh, I don't know, darling. Probably some crank who read about Marissa's death in the papers.Should we call the police? I don't think so.
Patrick
Said you forget about it later on.
Martin
Yeah, but it's so early.
Patrick
Said there's a couple of times where people could have stopped the nonsense. And they don't.
Martin
They don't.
Patrick
And they don't.
Martin
I'm calling the police.
Patrick
No, I can at least say Regine.
Martin
See?
Patrick
Regine saying, who cares about the dead girl? We got to finish the show because it's her money maker and the sh. The show must go on. The show must go on.
Martin
Yeah, I don't blame her. But still, put in a studio with Candy.
Patrick
I love that you said Candy, too, because that is the way she said. Where's Candy?
Martin
Candy.
Patrick
Where's Candy? You got your regime going well. Yeah. So the gondola can only fit so many people.So some of the people are waiting for the second gondola when the power goes out. Now everybody's trapped.
Jacqueline
Someone is trying to kill all of us.
Camille
Hey, come on, Jacqueline, take it easy.
Victor
Where is this cable car?
Regine
There's nothing to be alarmed about. We often lose electricity during a storm. Now, be calm. It's fun.
Victor
How could we possibly become the maniac killer after us?
Rudy
Is everybody all right?
Irene
Rudy, what's wrong?
Rudy
Generator shorted out.
Rudy
It must have taken a surge from the lightning.
Irene
Can you fix it?
Rudy
Not tonight, I can't.
Alan
What does that mean that the cable car won't operate?
Rudy
Not without electricity, it won't. Oh, that's.
Regine
Everything will be back to normal. Everything will be. Be all right by tomorrow morning.
Deenie
Well, I am certainly not spending the night in this house. We're all going to be murdered in our beds.
Regine
Look, we will try to make you all as comfortable as possible. Colette will show you to your rooms.
Patrick
Right now we're in the Agatha Christy mode, of course. And immediately a storm breaks out to the lightning and thunderbo.
Martin
Yes, of course.
Patrick
Never rains. Lots of lightning, lots of thunder, no rain. And we're trying for the Agatha Christie thing and none of it's. None of it's good.I do like when they're having the dinner scene and Clive Revell is like, I'm gonna blame you. He drinks a toast to the gawks.
Martin
Of the world and toast the ugly girl.
Patrick
I prefer my women.
Victor
Beautiful, ugly women should be destroyed at puberty.
Alan
Most of them are, by their mothers.
Alix
Do you equate beauty with happiness, Mr. Giselle?
Victor
Of course, Dear
Alan
Well, I photographed a lot of unhappy beauties.
Victor
In that case, I offer a toast to the happy gawks of this world. Really
Alan
are insufferable.
Patrick
This is all your fault.
Martin
Exactly.
Patrick
If I blame you.
Martin
If you weren't so ugly, we wouldn't be here right now know.
Patrick
And nobody defend her, not even her mother.
Martin
Her mother's not like.
Patrick
Nobody says, stop it. Nobody says, shut your mouth today. It's so awful. I love. Like.
Martin
They giggle like. Oh, like. Like regime laughs. And it just. Yeah, it was terrible.
Patrick
I wish there was more Joanna Cassidy. She almost knew what movie she was in. Yeah, she had a lot of great stuff. Like even the scene that she has with Connie Sellecca in the bedroom.Yeah, it's a totally dumb scene. It was like, this is my suicide note. If I ever got old and ugly, it could work again. I was going to kill myself and I wrote this when I was 23. Just.And then that note never plays in anything.
Martin
When she was. When she winds up dead, I'm like, I don't think she killed herself, but like, no, she was murdered by.
Patrick
No, but she has a couple lovely things that all models don't quit. They just wrinkle up and fade away.
Camille
Hey, we come out of this alive. Get out of the business.
Alix
Why?
Camille
Because you're looking at yourself more and more in the mirror.Pretty soon every blemish is going to become a major tragedy. You won't even be able to go to bed without thinking about how you look.
Alix
Well, I don't care.It's what I've wanted ever since I was a fat little teenager. Well,
Camille
I wanted that at first too. I never showed this to anybody before, but I'd like you to read it.
Alix
This is a suicide note.
Camille
Yeah, I wrote it on my 21st birthday. I decided if I ever got old and ugly looking, I'd kill myself.
Alix
Camille, you're still beautiful.
Camille
Not when the lights are working.Well, why don't you just quit? Quit the business? Old models don't quit. They just wrinkle up and fade away.
Martin
Well, she's doing porn now, apparently. Is that what when the guy comes in, Rudy, and he's like, I recognize you from the whatever magazine?
Patrick
No, what he said was, did you know that the rooms at the Sensuous Castle have cameras have cameras in them? I mean, it's a nice body.
Marissa
Well, enjoy it while you can and then get out or I'll call regime. Okay. Now you do that and I'll show some of our guests some of your more recent pictures. What pictures?Well, I have a friend that goes up to the Sensual Mansion. Now, I'll bet you didn't know that they hide cameras in the rooms, did you? Listen to me. I could kill you right now so you'd be nice.
Patrick
The Centuries Mansion. The center's mansion. Like, because we can't say the Playboy Mansion. So we went with the Sensuous Mansion.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
What? I can't believe they're doing pornography. What do you think?
Martin
Which is where she was in the beginning when they're trying to find her. Like, I think she's at the Sensuous Mansion. Like, we'll get her. We need her for the show. Get her out of there.
Patrick
No, you don't understand. It's in the Sensuous Mountains.
Martin
Doesn't he like the Sensuous Mansion? You know, very little imagination. What they're doing there.
Patrick
Like that just sound like breast. This is my sensuous mouth point.
Martin
The Sensuous Magic. The range.
Patrick
I ran them all over the place. I, I, There was something about, something about kind of pants in this whole second half of the movie that drove me crazy. I don't know what it was.They're not hot pants. Okay? I feel like ski pants made me think we're at a mountain ski resort. We're not.They're very tight to be doing kung fu moves which keeps doing show industry moves.
Martin
We see a lot of shiny like super skin type.
Patrick
But it's all camel toe. It's all camel toe.
Martin
All Day.
Patrick
It's very bad. It's very distracting.
Martin
Yes.
Patrick
No, since it's more murderous and blah, blah, blah. None of it's interesting. It's all very, very silly.
Martin
Yes.
Patrick
We've been saving this. I've been saving this. I get a late character showing up.
Martin
Yes. Too much. Yes.
Patrick
Oh, hooray, the cavalry's here.
Martin
Oh, yeah.
Rudy
What's going on?
Sheriff
I ain't going to be anybody unless.
Sheriff
You help me up here.
Martin
All of a sudden, on the road shuts up. Sheriff Frank Halsey. Hey, we're sure glad to see you, Sheriff.
Alan
Did you climb up here?
Sheriff
Sure did.
Alan
How is she?
Alix
She's all right. Laura. It's all right. It's the sheriff.
Sheriff
Sheriff Frank Halsey.
Laura
Oh, I was so frightened.
Alix
Did you run into Kate Bedford?
Sheriff
Yeah, she came down early this morning with a story about folks being murdered up here.
Alan
That's right. Two women were killed yesterday.
Sheriff
All right, where's the man?
Alan
Regine? She's in the house.
Alan
Probably drunk.
Sheriff
I know. I was up here a couple of.
Sheriff
Weeks ago and she said,
Alan
listen, listen,.
Alan
We're stuck up here.
Alan
Do you have a helicopter or something.
Alan
To get us down out of here?
Sheriff
I got a helicopter.
Sheriff
It wasn't available this morning, so I.
Sheriff
Had to make the hike myself. Yeah, I tell you, those mountains are so treacherous. They can cost you your life.
Patrick
And John Rubinstein says like, oh, great. Hooray, the sheriff's here. And then the men go marching out into the frame, conquering the enemy. That didn't happen.
Martin
Yeah, in our minds it did.
Patrick
In your mind and it did. And this is the thing that Martin said to me when I was talking to him last night. And it's absolutely true.The second you lay eyes on him, you go, oh, you're the murderer. I'm sorry, I'm spoiling this 40 year old movie, but the man might as well be wearing a sign because what, what is he wearing, Martin?
Martin
A fake nose, fake mustache, like sunglasses. He just looks like someone in a disguise. And this outrageous Texas accent, which is fake as shit, which Connie Sellecca calls out to him like, get one.You're not from Texas, are you? And he's like, don't tell anybody.
Alix
I'm like, where are you from, Sheriff?
Sheriff
Texas.
Alix
What part?
Sheriff
Abilene.
Sheriff
You ever been there?
Alix
Oh, sure. Ever been to Teddy's on South Loop?
Sheriff
No, I ain't been there.
Alix
Been to the Golden Turtle?
Sheriff
No.
Sheriff
No, I ain't been there either.
Alix
Well, why not? That's the spot.
Sheriff
Well, you see, I lived out on a ranch and we didn't get into town much? You know what I mean?
Alix
Come on, Sheriff.You're not from Texas, are you?
Sheriff
Okay, okay, you got me. I guess I'll have to level with you. Up until seven years ago, I was a New York City detective.
Alix
So what's with the phony accent in the cowboy suit?
Sheriff
Well, I got fed up with New York and came out west. Now, if you want to get elected sheriff in Twelve Palms, Arizona, you better.
Patrick
Darn well look like a cowboy and talk like one.
Sheriff
Listen, you can do me a big favor. Don't tell anyone about this or you'll blow my whole career.
Alix
Don't worry, partner. Your secret is safe, girl.
Martin
There's a murderer loose on the mountain, and this man lied to you and lied. And you're gonna, like, trust him with your life.
Patrick
You're gonna run for sheriff in Colorado wherever the we are. You know, you need to be a real cowboy.
Martin
And she buys it, girl. Are you kidding? He's a stranger. You just met him.
Patrick
It's so ir. Much like the ugly girl who's not being u. This disguise is the worst disguise. His nose is a completely different color than the rest of his face.This mustache is a cartoon Yosemite.
Martin
It's ridiculous. It is like, I go, I don't know who you are, but you're the murderer. Like, 100%.
Patrick
I don't know why, but it's clearly you. And again, this is a rip off. This is an Agatha Christie rip off with the detective winds up being the killer. It's a mouse.Yeah, sorry I spoiled that, too. Fuck off. It's a thousand years old.
Martin
Yeah, if you haven't seen that by now, you have problems.
Patrick
It's coming to New York. Yeah, it's the version where they have changed murderers every night because everybody knows who the fucking murderer in the mouse strip is already.All right, calm down. And the big, big amber vision sunglasses that he never takes off, which again, makes it really obvious that he's hiding something.
Martin
At nighttime, he's wearing them in the house. I mean, this movie is so dark you can barely see. And he's wearing sunglasses.
Patrick
This print is bad. This. This print is bad. But it's the only print that was left on YouTube, unfortunately.
Martin
That was fine. Yeah. But the outside seems much better.
Patrick
It wasn't fine, but it made it hard to see that. You know, it made it hard to see the fashion show, which also made it better because you didn't really.
Martin
Didn't miss much.
Patrick
No, no, it turns out. Well, who is he? Why is he doing this?
Martin
So we found out in the very beginning that Irene was married. The woman who owns the agency, the modern agency, Jessica Walters, married to this somebody who died in a fire.But first she divorced him, then he dies in a fire.
Marissa
Story that he took the easy way out by committing suicide. He died in a fire. That's all I know. Yeah, he died in the fire. After she had divorced him, taken over the Age Agency and gotten all of his money.I wouldn't know.
Martin
And so this is him. He didn't die in the fire. He found his girlfriend cheating on him. He killed them both. The house burns down. They thought it was him.And now he's acting, reacting, revenge. Because Jessica stole the agency from him. And he down that went to the models for money. They all said no. He made them. I made them.I started the agency and they owe me, and they didn't give it to me. And so he's killing the models and killing her because it's a grudge against them for, you know, all that. Well done.
Patrick
Well done. Yeah. That was succinct. Which was not. It was not. We beat around the bush a lot in this.
Alix
You're the killer.
Alix
You see, Kate was one of my first clients. I helped make her famous. And then she helped Irene destroy my life. Then you're Irene Barton? That's.That's right. Michael Barton. I invented the Barton girl. No one's gonna hear you up here, Alix. You see, I was a makeup artist in those days.I turned that agency into an international syndicate. That was before I married Irene.
Sheriff
We were married one year, and then.
Sheriff
She sued for divorce. She got the agency and the models. I started drinking about that time, and I assaulted this gentleman in the bar. I went to prison.
Sheriff
When I got out, I went to.
Sheriff
See Irene.
Sheriff
To beg her for some money. And she just laughed. So then I went to see the models I made famous. Candy, Camille, Jacqueline, Kate, Marissa. They chose to stay with Irene.So I decided to kill every one of them.
Alix
Don't you think the police are going to suspect you?
Sheriff
No. You see, I was living with this other woman at the time.And I came home and she was in bed with a man. And I killed him. Set the house on fire. The police thought it was my body in the ashes.
Alix
The phony clothes, the phony accent. You never were a sheriff?
Sheriff
No, of course not. I read about Regine having this little show with her ex models, and I came up here and pretended I was a sheriff.
Alix
You were up here when we arrived then?
Sheriff
Yes. I came up the night before and I pulled out the telephones and shorted the generator.
Alix
You mailed those poison cosmetics to the agency.
Sheriff
Very good, Alix.
Alix
Do you really think you're gonna get away with all these murders? They weren't murders. They were justifiable revenge.Besides, I was going to blame the whole thing on Kate, but we struggled and she fell down the cliff. She was a rather peculiar girl, you know. She even left her French cigarettes at the scene of the crime.
Patrick
And it's so frustrating because not only is he Jessica Walters ex husband, which for some reason she doesn't recognize, and.
Martin
All right, one thing. When she gets murdered, I don't care, even if you didn't know, if some sheriff comes knocking at your door at the middle of the night.
Patrick
So, oh, rattling, rattling, rattling the knobs like a crazy person.
Martin
It's one of those, like, lies where you're seeing through the killer's eyes and like, oh, it's you. Come on in. And she puts the fireplace poker down. I'm sorry. You met this man five minutes ago.
Marissa
Go.
Martin
It's the middle of the night. It's rattling at your door. He didn't knock me. Hey, it's me, the sheriff. I'd be nervous. And, oh, it's you. Meanwhile, is your dead husband in disguise?You can't tell by his voice? I don't. If I heard someone's voice, I. If I heard you in disguise, even you doing Texas accident. That's Patrick. Like, you know, this. She.This is a man you lived with for how many years? You know his voice?
Patrick
How dare.
Marissa
Why?
Martin
Why?
Patrick
Why am I catching strays? Why am I. Why do I get dreaded? I am a brilliant performer. Thank you. I could fool anyone.
Martin
So I'm like, you let this man into your room, even if you didn't know it was your late husband in disguise. And then, like, when he's acting on weird, you put the poker down, you're like, oh, wait, what? You don't scream. You ask for help. It's like.It's ridiculous.
Irene
It's you. You scared me. What do you want? Not you.
Martin
And then how do you get out so fast? Because you hear her scream. They all come running and she's already dead. I'm like, shouldn't he have a. You know, I don't know. But that.That was crazy that she didn't know it was her husband. That. That was my biggest.
Patrick
Just it. Because we have painted her as a brilliant woman. Yes, this woman's brilliant. She's sharp as attack. She doesn't miss a chance.
Martin
Even in the beginning, when the French person called and is like, you. All the models will die. So it sounds like. And she's probably saying her, my late husband.
Patrick
Never mind. Yeah, then.
Martin
Never mind. We finally, oh, tell her, my late husband. You know, but it was kind of.
Patrick
Like, couldn't possibly be him.
Martin
He died in a fire. I didn't see his body, but he's dead in a fire. It's like, come on, girl. Like these people.
Patrick
Although. But what I did appreciate about this is that you touched on it. They gave her the line that's in every fucking whodunit. Every fucking.It's literally in every episode of Midsummer Murders. Every single one. Where, again, you're having the point of view shot. And the victim looks at the camera. Oh, it's you. You startled me.What are you doing here? Literally, verbatim.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
She delivered the three sentences, but the famous last words of so many movie characters.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
Which made me so happy that it happened, but it made me so angry. There was Jessica Walters, who's smarter than that. This character that you built is smarter than this.And it makes one of the women think it's even more trouble that the guy says in his confession. He's like, you know, before I started as a modeling agent, I was a makeup artist.
Martin
Like, we didn't do too well.
Patrick
Exactly. So you should know to match your foundation to the plastic appliance. And you point the name.
Martin
Ridiculous. It was ridiculous.
Patrick
It's so stupid.
Martin
Yeah, it was. It was. That's. That's what killed me. And that. Her trusting him.Even at the very end when, like, someone's chasing her, and she runs up to the very top of the gondola thing, and she goes to hide in a box, and she finds Kate's body. So Kate's the one who went down to find the sheriff. So she's dead there. It means she never got to meet the sheriff. Right.So the sheriff comes up and she's.
Martin
Like, oh, my God.
Martin
Thank God it's you.
Patrick
Oh, hi.
Martin
And she's like, oh, you know. He's like, we gotta get you out of here. And then, like, she's. She's like, hey, wait a minute. If that's Kate, how did you get called here?I didn't have to kill you. Now I gotta kill you. It's like, come on, Alix.
Sheriff
We gotta get outta here.
Alix
She never made it down the mountain.
Sheriff
I know.
Sheriff
I gotta get down for help.
Alix
Wait a minute. She never made it down to tell you.
Marissa
Come on, Alix.
Alix
How did you know what was going on here?
Sheriff
Alix, no, wait.
Alix
What did you mean by you know.You're the killer.
Martin
You didn't know it from day one. Like, the second she came by. Like, fuck. She never got down there. Like, that guy's a she.
Patrick
Was. She.
Marissa
She had.
Patrick
She made a dad with him. They had a town when they get out. They have a day plan when they get out. But they survive the mountain. It's.
Martin
Fuck off.
Patrick
She's really stupid.
Alix
Frank. We a dinner date, remember?
Sheriff
I sure do, little lady.
Patrick
I sure do.
Martin
I also think she's gonna latch on.
Patrick
To the one person. Get out of here. I'm gonna survive because I'm the sheriff. No, off. Exactly off. But bless Connie Sellecca.They saddle her with the worst dialogue because in this whole scene where he's confessing, she has to deliver lines to make sure that the stupidest audience member knows what's going on. It. Because the man is literally saying, I'm a makeup artist.And he's peeling his face off and taking off the wig and taking off all this stuff and revealing the. The mustache gun. She's like, hey, that means you're not really a sheriff.
Martin
Yes. Somebody.
Patrick
He just peeled his face off. Kela. Wait a minute. That means you mailed the. The poison back up to the. To the. No.
Martin
He said yes. Yes.
Patrick
It's not your fault. You didn't write the dialogue. You're doing the best with what they gave me to do. Kai's. Elka. But holy. This movie is stupid.
Martin
Stupid. So bad. And then he was gonna.Oh, I forgot that he left a French cigarette when he killed Jessica Walters to throw blame on Kate, who was already dead at that point. So why is he trying to blame Kate? I was gonna make it that Kate did and have her go to prison for it or whatever. But then, like.And even at the end, you mentioned all the French cigarettes. Like, that was a plot point. Someone really liked that. Really.
Patrick
Like, they really did. They. They. We spent the money on the French cigarette. We're gonna use the French cigarette.
Martin
The French cigarettes. It's happening.
Patrick
We're leaving it in. We need another 30 seconds. And it's so. Like the kids. Like, ah, you know what? After. After bashing the head of a modeling agency's headed.I like to enjoy. Let's smoke. And I'm gonna leave it here. I've left no clues so far. We're gonna do this really stupid, obvious thing. It's terrible. Terrible.
Martin
We jumped around.
Patrick
You know what? It doesn't matter. We're getting through it. We're doing much better than. We're not bothering to try to Tell the story.You just need to watch the movie because it is a trip on its own and understand our frustration that's going on with us because the mystery's obvious. This.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
There's literally no thrills.
Martin
No.
Patrick
There's no suspense.
Martin
No.
Patrick
There is a corpse party. I do love a good old fashioned corpse party.
Martin
That was weird. That was a weird little like, kind of like that was creepy. The few moments that got creepy in it.But that was one of the creepy moments when they're in the studio and like Jessica Walter's voice is played and she's dead at this time and they have all the models kind of like dead, but like in the clothes or whatever. Like, yeah, it was weird. I'm like, why would he do that? Like, I mean, I know he's crazy.Obviously he's killed them all, but like, that was even like, like, like above.
Irene
In what Regine likes to call pursuit of life, Kate Bedford shows you the two piece look. The jacket top, which is made of black and red marble. Now Camille Betco shows you the complete suit of lights. Isn't she lovely?Jacqueline wears it over a black camisole and sleek little pants. A black cream. Kathy Carroll shows you an evening costume in three pieces. Every woman wants to have a very special look, very special evening.And Regine has turned it on. Elegant Nigerian brown shinpa and its flirting matching jacket for just such an occasion. It makes a beautiful figure more beautiful. The punctuate.
Martin
And like, that was. That would have made the. That would be the best part of the. It was the best part of the movie.
Patrick
But more of that had it been lit.
Martin
I'm like, I think. I think I know what I'm seeing.
Patrick
I think I'm seeing. It's just like black and a little face. That's really all I could see. I think it's a dead person. Or it could be. I don't know what it is.But no, it was there to make me happy because one of my other favorite tropes is a corpse party. I love a good old fashioned corpse party. Someone's lugging bodies around and posing them just for you, just to get it. Fine. Isn't this nice?
Martin
Yeah. Wendy.
Martin
Sarah.
Martin
No.
Patrick
Are you gonna find the exact order? I want you to find that because that's how these things go, you know? It's like Domino's. You have to do it in the right way.And you did it the right way. Hooray. They never have good cake at a corpse party. They'll never have good cake. It's pretty Sad. You never were the sheriff? No.
Martin
Hey, wait a minute.She hasn't been down the mountain. Then how did you get here? Like you haven't figured out by now. Why are you asking him? You know. You know the answer.
Patrick
Like I said, it's for this stupid audience.
Martin
Like, if she, she never made it Down the mountain,.
Patrick
this would never happen on abc. ABC movies were not geared toward the stupid for the most part.
Martin
She couldn't have contacted you and you wouldn't know to come here. So why are you here? It's like, girl, he's the murderer. Like, look at that fake nose. Like. And the fake. And he lied to you. He's like, I'm from Texas.And then he's like, he's not from Texas. And it's like, you're still gonna trust this strange man with your life.
Patrick
Does this mean we don't have a date on Tuesday? But she had another moment where she's really slow after somebody, after another after, you know, the models are get. Are pretty much gone.She's like, hey, Barton model left. He's murdering all the bargain girls. I'm the last one. No. Yeah, exactly.
Alix
Well, I just realized if the murders taken the Barton models, I'm the last one.
Patrick
Barton girls. Thank you for getting that last name. Because I knew there was some catchy name for them. It was this, the Barton Girls. It's thick.You're pretty, but you are thick.
Martin
Keep modeling. You can't do anything else.
Patrick
Just jumping around. I just want to go back to Clive Rebel. Clive has that wonderful scene where he's. Where he's coaxing Tony Peter Horton into stealing things.There's so much money in it for you. Those boys make billions of dollars off their designs.
Victor
The gross was $69 billion last year.
Tony
What's your take, Victor?
Victor
Enough to keep me in antique Bentleys and young designers.
Patrick
Get it, girl, get it, get it. Aruga, aruga. Because it's an antique family. I don't know if that's what they sound like, but that's what they sound like to me. That made me happy.And he's got a great cunty line. He got a great country last line as he's leaving. It's like, Regine, lovely party. Macabre, but festive.
Victor
Oh, goodbye, darling.I must say, you do give the first class show.
Victor
Macabre, but memorable.
Patrick
I mean, Regine is wrecked. She's just like this shell of a woman. She's like complete shot.
Martin
Completely very Gloria Swanson at the end of Sunset Boulevard.
Patrick
Glorious ones. She's serving all the Psycho bit. He's the classic psychobities. It's great stuff. All the other two like, okay, we're gonna get married.Maybe you can wear the Spanish number when there's a wedding to off. That's crazy. Dump him right now. We're not gonna die off. Okay, I'm gonna go. Rudy.
Laura
You still wanna marry me? Yeah.
Alan
You still wanna marry me?
Laura
Yeah.
Alan
You told your mother?
Marissa
No, she still thinks I'm going to Dallas so she can auction me off at the fat stock show.
Alan
What about that expensive little Spanish number she bought you?
Laura
What about it?
Alan
Well, I thought we could use it.
Alan
As a wedding dress.
Martin
I Maybe ugly, but I'm rich, so goodbye. I can hire a husband.
Patrick
Oh, please. You're a photographer. Gross. Oh, by the way, the fact that he's a photographer named Alan Lenz. Come on.
Alan
We haven't met. I'm Alan Lenz.
Laura
Isn't that rather a perfect name for a photographer?
Patrick
Come on.
Martin
This is Stuart, makeup, the makeup artist. Joel Brush, the hair man. How funny. Your name is Joel Brush and you got into hair.
Patrick
That wasn't that funny, but it really hit me hard.
Martin
Alan Lens. Oh, please.
Patrick
This is the thing that I've talked about on other podcasts that I know. There's this. There's a. There's a shorthand, particularly in television screenwriting. Well, they'll do that. Where they do.They put hints in the name because it's usually doing. Dealing with characters in a shorter format. It's only 30 to 60 minutes. Yeah.So we'll give you some kind of subliminal hint in the name on how this character is supposed to be.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
Like. Like one of the things I was taught. Like when the. When you get.Besides, you look at your character's name and see, what does that name make you think of? That's what they want you to be thinking of. Like, if you get the name Brad.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
Okay. Normally in movies, Brad is either the coolest person on campus or he's the biggest douche.
Martin
Yeah. Yeah.
Patrick
Or both. So now, you know, this might be what they want.
Martin
Chad. You know, Chad is like.
Patrick
Chad.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
Yeah. If your character's named Portia, you kind of of, you know.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
You know what you're going for, Rich.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
Lens. You on abc, they do it right. And NBC, they're like, we're. This is. This is the Different Strokes network. NBC hadn't hit a T day yet.It was still an ABC world. Was it Must See tv.
Martin
Yes.
Patrick
Oh, the gondola arrives. Oh, the hearse is here. That's not funny. I'm ugly. But that's still that funny.
Alan
Our hearse is waiting
Laura
That's not funny.
Alan
No. Death isn't funny, is it?
Alan
Life's the joke.
Martin
Those two. I. I did not approve of that romance. That was weird.
Patrick
It's not. It's not going to last. But. No but he says. You're right. Death isn't funny. Me, it's life. That's the joke. And time Waves. Ribbons of memories. Too sweet.Alive when you do.
Martin
Yeah. Now they're trying to make things romantic.
Patrick
Maybe I'll get into porn.
Martin
There's an opening. Johnna Cassidy's dead, so.
Patrick
Right.
Alix
And Al and I might need some new pictures.
Alan
Oh, no, no. I'm getting out of this business. I'm gonna marry a rich heiress and publish esoteric books.
Alan
Or maybe I'll go right into porn.
Alan
What do you think?
Patrick
Clicking the camera and pitching the hay is not my idea of a perfect day. But you're just so ugly. Super ugly things.
Martin
Gooch.
Patrick
Gooch.
Martin
Laura. Gooch. Lens.
Patrick
Lens gooch is even worse. Oh, did you hear about Laura? She got lens. Go.
Martin
Oh, no. Oh, goodness. Is it catching?
Patrick
Oh, my God. My nose is running.
Martin
Isn't there an ointment for that?
Patrick
It's definitely a suppository. I don't know what else to say about this movie. It's a. It's a. We think we've done it. I think we've done it. I think we've done it, Martin.I think after three attempts, I finally landed the goddamn plane.
Martin
Yes. I mean, it's a bumpy trip.
Patrick
It's been a bumpy flight, but what are you gonna do?
Martin
Like, I. I wanted it to be better. I could see potential. I could. It's like there's so much I wanted from it. It just did not deliver.I don't know if it was the director, the editor, the. The Whatever, it just. The network, who knows? But it could have been clever and good and just. No, but still fun. I still enjoyed myself. I did not.
Patrick
Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the wrong reasons. I mean, I was enjoying how frustrated I was getting.
Martin
Like, what you do?
Patrick
You were on the right path. And now where are we? Where have we gone? It's been really boring for like, were models being murdered and now we're just not happening.
Martin
It was too much like, boringness in between the killings. And the killings happened so fast, they weren't even. Like you'd even see half them. Like, Candy's dead. Off screen. Lipgross girl died. We find her.
Patrick
We keep finding they all died off screen. Yeah, they all died off screen. Well, except. Well, except for Jessica Walters.
Martin
Yeah. We actually don't see. Did you see her go, ah. And then you come in, you see her dead. So. Yeah, no one like.
Patrick
Well, yeah, I mean, still. But you saw something happen. You saw her get attacked. You saw the shadow.
Martin
Yes. You knew it was happening. Yes.
Patrick
It might have been a thrill for somebody, but. Oh. Oh, no. I found her in a plastic bag. Oh, no. At least she's fresh.
Martin
That was so weird for the. What was her name? Did they give her a name? I feel like they'd even like Jacqueline dressing must have. Jacqueline. Yeah, Jacqueline. Jacqueline, yes.It's in like a garbage garment bag, like just hanging.
Patrick
No, she, she, she was. She was in the garment bag.
Martin
Yeah, but why would you even. Like, how did that.
Patrick
She suffocated her.
Martin
She can't break out of it like, it's plastic. I mean, babies. I see it. But a full grown woman can break out of that bag. The zipper is not that strong. I'm sorry.Unless he held her in there while she suffocated. I don't know. But just. Yeah, I was like. Okay, I feel.
Patrick
I feel like you're really judging exactly. Right now. Victim shaming here.
Martin
They really didn't develop the models at all.
Patrick
Like, I mean, nor did they try to.
Martin
Kate. They gave that walks in with like a leopard. Baby leopard at the ad agency. That's like, you can't have that animals a pet.
Marissa
What is that thing? A leopard. Oh, a leopard. Yeah. Killed its mother. Well, how can you kill animals? I enjoy it. I mean, I think it's so barbaric.Oh, Irene, those shoes you're wearing made from dead animals. Your handbag, dead animals. Your dinner, dead animals. Can you a break, will you, Kate? Can you make Regine show? I wouldn't miss it. Wonderful.Sunday morning at 6. We'll all fly up together. And don't bring your little orphan.
Martin
Like, remember the very beginning. Kate comes in, she's like, oh, my leopard. Yeah.
Patrick
She can't with her shoulders. She killed its mother. She killed its mother. I gotta take care of her now. It's mine now. Who's gonna take care of that baby leopard?The baby leopard is the real victim here.
Martin
It's lost two mothers. Two mothers.
Patrick
Now we spent more time with Kate than anybody. And that was a really interesting scene with Kate. That was a great scene. You're like, well, your shoes are dead animals. Your den is dead animals.Your purse is dead animals. What's the problem with my hunting that was interesting.
Martin
Yeah, I kind of.
Patrick
And then we don't come back to her.
Martin
No. She climbs away and then is dead. No.
Patrick
She's not going to be the lesbian hero. And. Oh, great. And then she drops out of the movie. Good for her.
Martin
Yeah. She's smart. I know.
Patrick
By the way, I'm keeping this dress.
Martin
Not that one, the Maryland.
Patrick
This one. Keep your mutton whatever sleeve.
Martin
Mutton chops. That's terrible. The word mutton should never be anything.
Patrick
Like that you wear.
Martin
Okay.
Patrick
You know Lady Gaga were beef like a normal person.
Martin
Exactly. Little meat purse. Really?
Patrick
Stop making me laugh now because now I got a booger.
Martin
Oh, no. Oh, Lord. Well, I, I, I did enjoy it. I will say that.
Patrick
Good. I figured you would. Because do you know why you're here?
Martin
Oh, goodness. On the planet. Like. Okay, okay. Yes.
Patrick
We've suddenly turned into a philosophy podcast. No. Why you're here talking about this movie. Because as soon as it hit me, I'm like, of course I have to do this with Martin Martyrs.What is going to get me through that? Two reasons. Because the other thing this movie needed was evil insect women.
Martin
100%. They kind of. With the. They could have all been evil insect women. Women. I can see.
Patrick
100. Except they wouldn't have killed. Except the murder would have been thwarted immediately.
Martin
Yes.
Patrick
Who are the evil insect women? For people who don't know, it is.
Martin
A little comic thing that I drew in college and it's all these women. It was like a Miss America.
Patrick
No.
Martin
Miss Universe pageant. Crashes in a bus full of evil insects and they fall into toxic waste. They all come out of the toxic waste with like powers.Like they can zap people or they can, you know, they're like evil insects woman.
Patrick
It was pretty much still just supermodels, but with antennas and wings and like.
Martin
Pouty faces and gowns.
Patrick
They were great. They were great. I love it. But they would. The other thing was back in our college days, listeners, we were a bold and a beautiful college.
Martin
Yes.
Patrick
I don't know how it is now, but back in the early days of the Bold and the Beautiful, they strove to not have plot lines that were like other ridiculous soap opera plot lines. It wasn't evil twins.
Martin
Yeah.
Patrick
And things like that. It was was, it was more fashion based thing. And one of the plot lines that Martin, I particularly enjoy. I hope you remember that. I hope.There was a girl. There was a girl who had acne. She wanted to be a model and she would have seen like I want to eat the nest.But I can't eat the nest because of my acne, but I want to eat the Nestle. Katie Friday cliffhanger was the mother walking into the room to pick her up to her f. She turns and she chugging all over her face like.
Martin
That was Katie Logan. That was Brooke's little sister.
Patrick
That was a big problem.
Martin
I want the Nestle's. I can't eat the Nestle's.
Patrick
I'm gonna have the Nestle.
Martin
One minute, please. So I was. Housekeeping.
Patrick
Yeah, no bueno. We're busy. The ugly girl brought me to that. The ugly girl. The ugliest girl in the world could have been on the bold. The beautiful.The ugliest, not ugly girl in the world could have been on the. I want to be. I just want to survive the week.
Martin
So ugly.
Patrick
Nobody but Lisa don't have acne.
Martin
Me.
Patrick
My heel. Friday fade out. It was some tried on the bold. Beautiful.
Martin
Brooke. Brooke broke one of Stephanie's antique, like Christmas ornaments. And that was like. Like the thing thought the shadow. I was like.Like you have like Days of our lives where it's like Stephano is like taking people's brains and switching bodies and.
Patrick
Right, right.
Martin
Exactly.
Patrick
The Salem stranglers on the loose and.
Martin
We get broken ornaments.
Patrick
We got to run. Stocking.
Martin
Hello. And it's time for the big fashion show. Like the showstopper. Who's going to be wearing it?
Patrick
So would have been great had, you know the scene. And like one of those scenes on the. On the staircase. She's like, I'm so ugly. You know what?I'm going to go to my room and I'm going to put on that Spanish number that my mother bought for me. And then I'm going to seduce you. And like the.
Marissa
That.
Patrick
That telenovela woman would just pop out.
Martin
Seduce. Look, I don't think you can.
Patrick
Did someone say Spanish number? Here I am. That was terrible. All right, we're. We're just circling the airport now. It's time to land this plan. Martin, we survived.We survived the weekend at Regines.
Martin
Barely.
Patrick
I don't have anybody in the back made. But you know what? We're here. That's the important thing.
Martin
We're here.
Patrick
And now. I don't know how to end the show. Basically ended it. They got through it.
Martin
We lived it. We've gone through it. There's not enough of an ending.
Patrick
Take a day.
Martin
I mean, we say people should watch it. I think it's worth watching.
Patrick
No, no, no.
Marissa
Yes.
Patrick
I wouldn't talk about it if it wasn't worth watching. I don't like to on things purely like this was a. It's so close.
Martin
It was so close. Not it was very close.
Patrick
Really far Jamie.
Martin
Far. He could have been in the fashion show.
Patrick
He could. He's always in fashion.
Martin
A mutton sleeve. Great dress.
Patrick
So before we go, why don't you tell people more about you if they can find you someplace, if they want to follow you or if they liked what they saw here.
Martin
Today I am on Instagram Martin McEl7 and yeah, that's. Yeah, I mean more about me. I'm just a small town girl living in. Taking the midnight train to anywhere Pretty much me.
Patrick
I thought you were looking for the fat of your life.
Martin
Yeah. Oh, I could. That's a neck next time.
Patrick
So many small town girls. I am a small town girl. Thank you so much for joining me on this fight. Thank you for getting through. We've all led safely.I'm gonna have to end this on my own. I can't think of an outro.
Martin
The drugs pretending he's beside me.
Patrick
Musical theater until next time, Martin. Thank you for joining me. And I. I bid you nothing but muskrat love
70's-80's Television Aficionado
I took the good, I took the bad, I took them both... and got a bad reputation. TV junkie who isn't looking for rehab.